HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Randomize
