Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
