Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
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