I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
