found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Randomize
