Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
