but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Randomize
