When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
