Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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