my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
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For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
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Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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