the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
