i barfeds in our rink
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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