thus making me awesome and them whores
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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