Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
