Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
