??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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