Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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