I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
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