I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
