I cut my penus on the lid.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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