i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
