My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'm too high and old for this...
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
