I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
