I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I look better un-naked...
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
