dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
