All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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