Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Randomize
