She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
