After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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