connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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