Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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