dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
