I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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