Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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