I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
