The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
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