That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Randomize
