your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Randomize
