The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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