I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
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