My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
