quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
