Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
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You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
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He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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