Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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