Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
