just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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