I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
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