It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
