i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
