You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
