At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
