Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
