I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
