She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
