I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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