A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
