i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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